Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Viva La Culinary Revolution!

Don't get too excited, socialists:  turns out there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Inflatable Santa...On Fire?

Nothing like traumatizing the neighborhood kids this holiday season.  Merry CHRISTmas, everyone.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

We're Number Two!

Overheard in St. Augustine, FL:  "If you ain't first, you're last!"

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Love Thy Neighbor?

Wait a minute, I'm confused:  I thought we were still supposed to be ostracizing the Muslims?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

When Fanatics Start Slacking

Is it just me or has Al-Qaeda gotten a little lazy following OBL's demise?  Lately it seems like they're just phoning it in...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Royalties don't just happen...

Because paying three extra dollars for a picture of a Disney character will make your kids' playtime that much more memorable...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Double-0 Status

You know the global recession is bad when even Her Majesty's Secret Servants have to pawn their service weapons to make ends meet...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Master Yoda

Moments like these are the main reason why I wander around big box retailers late at night.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Don't All Of You Rush Up Here At Once

Volunteers Desperately Needed!  Oh wait, I forgot:  BP already took care of that.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

How To Ruin A Baby Shower

Make sure to run this double feature selection by the Party Planning Committee...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Hemingway House: The Guided Tour

"And here we have the author's personal Coca Cola machine.  Originally installed in 1933, it has been in continuous use since.  No flash photography, please."

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

How Did We Ever Live Without Social Media?

Stay up to date with the latest attempted robberies, vagrant sightings, and discounts on Schlitz Malt Liquor!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Check My Math Here...

Twenty-five cents for a fake penny?  Sounds like a deal to me!

Friday, July 15, 2011

One Hundred Years of Servitude

Finally, we have proof that neither talent nor hard work are necessary to achieve literary greatness.

For more information, see my latest short story.  It's online now at Bent Masses magazine.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Military Regulations: Grooming Standards

With the GIJOEs of my youth, a little stubble would probably be overlooked if you were out on a week-long covert black ops mission in the USSR hunting for Cobra Commander and Destro. 

Times have changed, I guess.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

It Pays To Top Off The Tank

Remember, if you're already going to be late for work, there's no point at all in showing up hungry.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Pass Me Those Vacation Request Forms

Your Microsoft Outlook Calendar has been automatically updated to include this event.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Available Now: Burnout

Goosey Larsen isn't your average detective, and it's doubtful that he'll ever reach that level of performance. His annual personnel review described him as someone who "lacks motivation" and "needs to improve his interpersonal skills."

Goosey can usually be found coming in late or sneaking out early, but when dead bodies start turning up in downtown Charleston, Goosey is forced to do the one thing he hates most: policework.

Download your digital copy now from Solstice Publishing or

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

When Living In Sin Goes Horribly Wrong

Dude, when her mom starts soaping your car it's probably time to pop the question already.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Happy Memorial Day?

This is how stupid you look when you wish someone a "Happy Memorial Day."  If you're not sure what this holiday's all about, try Googling it.  Or just ask a veteran.

Getting off my soapbox now...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Whole Retro-Political Thing

Found these (circa '85) in an antiques store.  Not entirely certain, but I think that a rift in the space-time continuum is to blame.  Either that or nothing has changed in 25 years...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A Bright Future...

Remember when parents used to tell their kids they could have any career they wanted when they grew up?

Monday, May 9, 2011

Quick, somebody update your Facebook status!

@SmithFamily:  Get a load of this creepy guy on the sidewalk.  I think he's staring at your house.  LOL!
15 minutes ago via web
@SmithFamily:  Did you just hear glass breaking?
7 minutes ago via web
@SmithFamily:  Hello?
1 minute ago via web

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Greatest Baseball Play Ever

Shame on my mom for not giving birth to me in time to personally witness this one...

Friday, April 22, 2011

From the Island of Misplaced Toys

"HALO?  Sounds religious.  Just put it with the rest of the Easter stuff."

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Only In Rural Georgia...

Earlier today, the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan announced that he was suing the Golden Pantry for discrimination.  Classic "Man Bites Dog" news story, or blatant hypocrisy?  You make the call.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Monday, April 4, 2011

Multicultural Restaurant Reviews

Family owned for three generations, advertised as authentic food from the Old Country but doesn't say which one.  I recommend the potato hummus with a pint of Guinness.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Don't Make James Patterson Come Down There...

Stay tuned for the hair-raising series conclusion, "Ain't I Done Told You Not To Do That?"

Monday, March 21, 2011

Your Tax Dollars At Work

"The Door to Nowhere"  --  Possibly my all-time favorite example of government contracting gone horribly wrong.  Watch that first step!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Family Pack, My Ass

Budweiser, who are you trying to kid?  Only 18 beers?  Must be a small family...

Monday, February 21, 2011

At Least You Know It's Socialized...

...but I can't help wondering what happened to the other 29.  I guess PetSmart must have already found good homes for them.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Still Good For a Laugh...

This was the first "writing" I ever sold, back in 2008.  I think there's actually a few of them still available over at

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Available Now...OUTSPOKEN

Abraham Lincoln Jenkins is a teenage vandal, social activist, and aspiring revolutionary, but with only four months left until his high school graduation Abraham’s lifelong dream of attending Harvard College is put in jeopardy when he learns that he is still in need of two core credit hours in Physical Education.  Unfortunately for Abraham, the only available spaces in a P.E. class are as a cadet in the Army’s JROTC program! 
OUTSPOKEN is the story of Abraham’s unsuccessful attempts to make a quick exit from military life over the course of four months and several brushes with the law.  Told almost exclusively through Abraham’s one-sided complaint letters, OUTSPOKEN is the natural result of the War on Terror colliding with the War on Christmas.
            Now available for download from Vagabondage Press.